Journal: April

✧ moreover...

Same day, different time. I went to the mall with my dad which makes my bank account cry a little but it's okay lol. First, I ordered a new shirt online and then we went to the mall and I got myself another new shirt (a Junji Ito shirt), new sandals for the summer and some new earrings. Then we had burgers, fries, and shakes for dinner.

I'm happy but also very tired. I need to finish cleaning my room. I don't think it's going to keep the mouse completely away but hopefully I won't have anything that smells like food lying around.

✧ h... huh?

Hi. I've been coding a lot. Working on a new layout… It's a lot. I made like… five different variations lol. I'm fucking around and finding out.

My days have been… I don't really know. I'm glued to my computer from all the coding but also… I don't know where my mind has been. I've been spending so much time coding and listening to music for hours on end, it's almost non-stop save from having to go to work and eat and all that.

I think a lot has been going on mentally but I don't want to talk about it or maybe I have forgotten about it somewhat. There's a mouse in my room again so… I gotta clean. Unfortunately I have a lot of stuff which is a perfect hiding spot for a mouse. It's just one guy, but we also had two other mice come in. There must be a hole somewhere.

Dad wanted to do something today but the weather has been funny. I'm tired. I should do something but I don't want to. If nothing happens today, then I hope we can do something soon.

I am like completely out of it. My attention span is so short. Maybe I've been hyperfixating on coding too much. My last journal was a week ago… it feels much longer ago.

✧ 4 / 20

Happy 4 / 20. This post is not about weed, sadly. Though I could definitely use some right about now.

Honestly, I've been in a massive dissociative state for like… I don't know how many days or something. I don't really want to talk about it right now. I have a psychiatry appointment next month so hopefully I'll be put on anti-psychotics (again). Not that this has anything to do with dissociation in particular, but psychosis is a truly terrible thing to deal with and is half the reason why I've been so stressed and not-myself so yeah.

I'm in the middle of making yet another web layout. I've come to realize that sometimes web changes are due to my alters fronting or influencing me (called passive influence). This has taken me a long time to notice this lol.

But also like… things didn't go as planned with my current site anyways so… I guess I'll just change it again. -shrug-

The new pages will be done when they're done. I want to take my time and not feel rushed while coding. I'm letting this one cook but it's coming together nicely so far. I hope I'm getting better with coding. (◍•﹏•)

One of these days I'll break-down my entire coding history but sometimes I feel like my old sites looked better lol or I guess… looked more exciting and colorful.

Well, I sound damn-near normal (my normal is being weird and dumb) so I must be coming out of whatever strange mental episode I've been stuck in lately. I really hope the medication helps… Oh and for the weed, I use CBD and not THC.

By the way, I was -not- lurking in Neocities during my break and I -did not- witness that one "situation" unfold.

Good? Good. Catch you on the flip. Smoke (or whatever else you do with your weed) responsibly if that's your thing.

Also... thank you for the 60k views and thank you for the follows. It's kinda scary... lol.

✧ Naming Things

I had this really bad DR/DP episode. I'm still... kind of not "there" but basically I might be having these episodes for quite a while. DR/DP isn't unusual for somebody who's dissociative already. It's just that the symptoms I've been experiencing now is really, really terrible.

Well anyways, I'm making a "now" page thingie. I'm contemplating it because it means more personal information for you all to enjoy (within reason). At the same time... fuck it.

But I realized something while working yesterday that I have a tendency to give my favorite objects names.

I have a pair of noise-cancelling headphones (the cheap kind, I'm gonna need to buy some new ones) and I decided to name it Violet since it's purple colored.

When I used to play with my stim toys, they all have names. I have a metal rainbow spinner name Prism, a clear fidget cube name Cleary (I didn't know what to name it lol), and a Tangle toy name Mr. Tangles.

While typing out the "now page", I mentioned my succulent Anemone. I had two previous succulents, one named Pawbs (a bear paw succulent) and another named Palm Tree (a lilac mist that grew above the soil, almost looking like a tree). More on my beginner plant adventures some other time maybe...

I think when I start feeling empathetic (?) towards an object, I name it. It's something that I noticed while looking back at my plant adventures.

Sometimes I just name things because it helps me??????

Like this guy from SMT. The name is actually Shiki-Ouji. But for some time I called him, "Abraham Lincoln". I think because he's tall, has a beard, and a hat.



Just... good ol' Abe Lincoln. That's who he is.

Well I dunno... I wanted to talk about something silly about me. I know it's weird since for a couple days I was in a very dark and uncomfortable place with my dissociative episode and now I'm like... "hey guess what, I like to give my objects names sometimes." But my mind is kinda chaotic like that, I'm sorry lol.

I also used to give Eggman robots from Sonic the Hedgehog their own names too.

Like this guy from Sonic Advanced 2. I named the robot "Bird Poop" because the gimmick is that Eggman drops nuclear bombs in an attempt to stop you while you're chasing after him lol.



And this guy I named "Spiky Caterpillar" because the design reminded me of these spiky caterpillars that I caught when I was a kid. I was a bit of a bug catcher growing up.



Well, I won't get into it lol. Idk why I'm sharing you this information. I think I wanted to post something silly. If you read this page, I hope this made you laugh or something? Even if it didn't, I hope you have a good day.

✧ Talking

Left another group chat. I always feel like I don't belong anywhere. It's the way I talk. It's my autism or something.

For a while, I was really upset about it but I guess I'm growing more accepting of this problem now. It sucks because I have to keep my mouth shut so much. Sometimes it's not even what I'm saying but how I'm saying it I guess. I'm too passionate, too overbearing during conversations. Or I end up oversharing information and making listeners uncomfortable even if the floor is open.

I'm slowly learning how people actually talk and steadily learning how people make friends. But it's a process that I don't understand at all. I'm just really good at staying quiet and people seem to really like that.

Trying to talk to people is like walking on eggshells. Some people make it look easy. Friends are hard to keep and I'm not close to my family at all.

Sometimes I wonder what my family thinks of me... Just some adult who has a job but otherwise isolates themselves. An adult who doesn't have much of a life for themselves. An adult who failed.

Not that I'm bothered by that I guess... Don't get me wrong- now that I've reached a very adult-oriented goal, I can move on and figure out what I want to do in my life now. But I guess... I dunno...

My dad talks about success. Making money, moving out, having kids... He's not wrong to think these things. But I dunno... maybe it's because I don't really have these things right now so I'm not understanding where my dad is coming from...

I don't look towards "success", I look towards "survivability". I understand that what I'm saying here doesn't make sense. That's to imply that being successful isn't a way to survive in this world and it is.

But I don't know... is it possible to look to the sky a little bit too much? To dream a little bit too hard?

I don't have these things (and I do not want to have kids lol) and that's okay. One day I will but for now, I just want to breathe. Maybe I'm just mentally exhausted...

Honestly, I had a different set of words for this journal. Now I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm going to stop here.

Had to take a small break from coding pages. I'll get back to it soon.

✧ WEEEEEEEEE

I am out of it this morning (I'm starting to believe that my sensory overload from work has been doing a number on me) BUT:



HYPE HYPE HYPE!!!! (also use fullscreen to see it in color lol, or just go to the youtube link)

Aparently, Metaphor is also releasing in the Fall? I thought it was going to be later in the holiday YEAAAHHH!!! Atlus is... moving up the release dates it seems? It's the first I've heard of it honestly. I hope it's a good sign and that the devs still have plenty of time to finish the games.

... I will likely play SMTV:V in Japanese. lol! The english voices aren't doing it for me, I dunno. Nahobino's voice in Japanese is perfection, in my opinion.

Other than that, I've been thinking about world-building and AUs again so... I'm gonna share my ideas on this website. Hopefully soon. I know I keep saying that, I swear it's my job. And a little bit of laziness. There's a lot I want to do with this site and it's a little bit overwhelming. I'm taking it one page at a time.

Here are my headworlds anyways:
> The Sin Eaters (wip title): A world about people becoming creatures called "Sin Eaters".
> NieR Replimata (AU): An alternate universe where Brother Nier and Kaine are YoRHa androids.
> "Human" (wip title, wip story): An idea about anthropomorphic animals living in an anthro world suddenly being invaded by creatures called "humans". There's this whole parallel universe and artististic expression commentary and... Maybe like how Metaphor is but this was before that game's announcement so hmmm...

I have other worlds but I will stop here. There's a lot going on in my head lol.

Well, I'm like... dissociating so I'm going to leave. THis sucks, I think it's work-related and not necessarily my DID. I remember my therapist mentioning sensory overload and how I might be dissociating at work because of it. Honestly, I feel like running way whenever I go to work. I deal with it but yeah. I probably need a vacation.

✧ April 2nd.

Hi. I just wanted to test the scroll box. I might add a divider between the journal entrie later.

I had a lot to say but now my brain doesn't wanna think about it anymore. I'm (re)coding two shrine pages. They are far better organized that what I had before with a super simple layout. Sometimes I wonder if my pages are "too simple". Like, if they're boring.

Aw well. lol. I'm tired but at least my work schedule is back to normal. At least, until Mother's Day.

I bought Unicorn Overlord and I've been having so much fun with it. More on it later. I can't wait for SMTV Vengeance, god dammit I need time to move faster. On my way of getting the True Demon Ending for Nocturne. It's weird because I've already established that I want to finish the Amala Network long before I even know about TDE. Thank god that it's all I have to do. I feel bad though, like I'm leaving all of my friends behind. ;w; But I suppose that's the point... I guess I'll find out what happens once I get there.

I've been watching the cutscenes for the first Digital Devil Saga game too. I want to create a shrine for it even if I've never played the game before. JRPG cutscenes are really difficult to watch because you're missing out on all details that happen in-game. But I really love the setting the story in DDS, not to mention the music. I've been reading about SMT games in general too.

Well anyways, I'm super tired and I have to get ready for work. Have a great day and if not, I hope it gets better for you soon.

✧ April 1st.

Happy April 1st. It's 3:24am as of writing this. I started recoding my shrine pages. Then I got hit by a huge mental train.

I don't know what I'm doing- no, I don't know what I want. No, I just want to die. I want to slowly rot in my bedroom and die.

I'm just so tired. Yes, I have insomnia but that's only part of my overall tiredness. I'm mentally tired, I'm physically tired, I'm spiritually tired if that's even possible.

I don't know what I want. I'm trying to do things, literally pushing myself, and it's not enough. It's never enough

I don't know where I'm going. I would like a career, I would also like to die. Or… live a life where I'm not bound by one job for the rest of my time on Earth or something.

There's too much going on with my head and trying to keep it altogether for everybody else in the world. Because the world doesn't understand me. It simply won't understand me. So I have to be courteous and understanding and keep it all inside. And I do a pretty damn great job at that, might I add… but it's no less exhausting. It's probably killing me from the inside out way more than I would ever know.

Back to work today. I don't know what today is. I want to sleep. I want to die. I want something in my life to end, I don't care what. And that sounds pretty bad I don't know. It's like I need change or some reason to stay alive. Either that or die.

I feel so alone. To be honest, I had given up on a lot of good things in my life. I couldn't tell you why though. Maybe these things weren't as good as I once thought. Maybe I'm an asshole and wanted to leave everybody behind.

I'm so wrecked with loneliness, I can't even describe the feeling. Even as a solitary person there's this empty hole that I'm trying to fill now and it's all my fault. On top of everything else.

I can't even talk anymore. I can only give you a silly comparison to better explain how I feel. Now I don't even wanna mention it because it sounds so silly to me.

Even with all of this… I also feel… okay. I think I'm deluded. I mean, I am delusional. But I don't know. I'm sure I've told myself that I'll be okay enough times that it's becoming "true". My mind is just saying this because it's what I would say during a moment like this, it's a force of habit. But maybe that's all I need right now. Even if my life is in complete shambles. Even if my future doesn't look all that bright. Maybe I just need to hold onto something.

Like holding onto someone while on a sinking ship. If you're sinking, you don't ever want to drown alone.

I was working on my Nier Replicant shrine. Kaine's Salvation is playing in the background while typing this. I think I'll go lay down for a bit before work. More on this feeling next time, I guess. Sorry for the strong words for the first of the month...