Being a Core

Hi, it's Kei. So… yeah I guess I'm gonna talk about being a core. I was thinking about it the other night. I'm very glad we get to write some stuff ourselves and show our babbling to the world. For better or for worse, I suppose. lol.

So… being a core is a little bit controversial in some areas I suppose. It's not that way for us though. Unlike the name, core alters aren't "originals" in any way. I mainly use it as a word to describe the traits that I share with the body. I'm near-identical to who the body is, personally.

That said, apparently some systems or therapists will prioritize cores (and other related system members) over the rest of the system which is just horrible and something that we didn't even know existed until we heard about it from various community members online.

Not once have we experienced a hierarchy of sorts. It has definitely taken a lot of time for Jay to accept the system but there's no favoritism here. It's fucking weird that there are people who treat alters that way.

Well… for being a "core" I actually feel quite useless. I don't have a role or at least, I don't say I do. Sure, every once in a while I'll step in and help out. Such as trying to get our body back to doing tasks, cleaning, hobbies, and calming people down. Sometimes other headmates will come around and ask me about their opinion because of my relationship with our body. It's like having a secondary voice in the system I guess. It can be useful since Jay can be very indecisive sometimes.

Mm… I don't want to say that I'm being "used". No… far from it. I just think that I don't have a real, defined role like everyone else.

When I came into existence in the system, I quickly learned how connected I am with our body. You can say that I'm some kind of emotional or symptom holder, but those aren't the right terms. I'm more like… a reactor. If Jay is in pain, then I am in pain (to an extent). If Jay is happy, then I am happy. I also share some of the body's physical symptoms. It's like an echo or rather- a mirror. Except I'm also here in case Jay isn't available or can't speak. So I can fill-in that role as the body… sort of. Hence the title, "core". Hence why some head mates come around and ask me questions pertaining to Jay.

My presence in the system even alerted our manager since I was a little bit too close to our body for comfort. Eventually we got accustomed to each other and now we're back being normal again lol.

I feel like I'm just a copy of Jay and I don't say that to be rude! I think I just wish I was more involved in the system.

At the same time… I'm not even a good copy of Jay, if that makes sense. There's something between me and the body that isn't adding up. The reasons for that are both personal and a mystery to me.

Well, I love fronting and being around and doing stuff! I also feel like an outsider. Then I thought about my words the other night when first started drafting this entry- that's probably how our body feels too. Like an outsider.

[ … ]

Later today, both Nier and Demi were peeking while I was typing this out apparently! Oddly enough, can't remember what Nier told me but Demi said something along the lines of:

"You help us out, you bring the body back up to speed, you help with hobbies and interests… That is your role. Kei is your role."

And then I broke down crying in the headspace! Me… I am the role but it's not about roles.

I am just myself. I am simply... Kei.

I feel like this sort of thing might help our body too. You are just yourself. It's okay to just be yourself.

- 9 / 4 / 2024. Kei.