Bad Nostaliga - Mar. 9, 2025

Alter 1:
A return to our old name, Dani or Daniel. We really tried making Jay or Jayden work but in the end, I don't think it worked out. Dani / Daniel has been our name for over a decade. I think our mind is too attached. On top of that, I think Jay was used as a way to separate ourselves from certain bad experiences for a while.

Becoming Daniel again brought a wave of nostalgia that washed over our mind. Drowning our brain in all kinds of feelings and emotions. I don't think any of these feelings were "good" but the feelings weren't completely terrible either. Just too much to put into words. We go through these waves a lot. Lately, we've been thinking about the concept of continuity and how our existence breaks the continuity of memory or of the "self".

I think I am just upset today. Of course, all of our issues are manufactured in our minds. Nothing external happened other than, I guess, our continued efforts in bridging the gap of communication as a system. But that's supposed to be a good thing. It's supposed to be a good thing.

The weekend has been lazy. Spending time coding between periods of complete silence. Not doing much else. We started drawing again but it's bad lol so it's back to the basics. I'm disappointed in myself. We started cleaning but we need to continue. Things are still a mess. Been isolating ourselves. Too depressed to do much of anything. Thinking about all the things we want to do but haven't done. Breaking the mental silence, I put on Kamen Rider. I might find a samurai movie to watch though... I like those.

Last night, I had a lot of words to say but hardly anything is coming out now. We have this journal and all but to hell with talking about certain stuff. Maybe less is better.

You can't run away from yourself anymore... I try to calm things down but I understand the burden of knowledge. We all do.

Alter 2:
The destruction of faith. At some point in our life, I truly believed in a loving god. I really did. Now there is nothing. Nothingness is better than what we dealt with before. And yet, whenever we have difficulty, I still want to believe that there is something out there. Watching over us. Maybe. But then again, maybe it doesn't exist. It might be best to consult somebody else in our system with these thoughts...

The wrong feeling continues. It's compounding. We want to implode.

Tomorrow we finally start our externship. We are nervous and excited. We hope things go well. We are also very tired.

Mood: Okay?
Listening: Japanese men screaming and jumping everywhere.
Watching: Kamen Rider (1971).
Reading: Nothin.
Eating: Orange chicken and rice.

Third Month - Mar. 2, 2025

The Top

Happy March.

Went to touch bases with school, working on cleaning and reorganizing a bunch of things such as our figures. My god, my collection needed to be reorganized. I'm also thinking about selling some figures but I don't know yet. We got rid of a bunch of old clothes and got a new outfit from 42Lolita. It's a simple outfit - something we can wear every day and mix and match with other clothes. I was only able to get the sweater and the pants for now. Maybe I'll get the rabbit shawl next time. I love the pants so much so they are so big and poofy which makes my autism very happy. The vibe is kind of tech wear-ish which is cool.

I wouldn't call ourselves a "lolita"... yet. lol. I mean, I don't think I would want to wear an outfit that's "too much". But I love the simple outfits and the simple colors. I love suits, dressy shirts, shorts, boots and dress shoes, and jackets. And the the tech wear style.

Lolita fashion is expensive like pretty much all alt fashion is. I do have a more lolita-y outfit but I never got the whole set. Just the shirt, matching shorts, and a random pair of boots. I bought those clothes from Lolita Wardrobe a whila ago.

Took it upon myself to start another web project. Yep. We can't get enough of re-coding this damn website. But this time we're learning 11ty which I think is cool. I dunno, just something that's outside our of our comfort zone. And I guess we really want to work hard on our HTML and CSS. Getting more in-depth with semantic HTML, learning how to use aria labels, and thinking about more ways we can make things accessible. That also means making the new site mobile friendly. This is a real learning curve but I guess we'll see how it goes.

The Bottom (vent post)

Who has been fronting lately? It doesn't really matter. It's been a terrible period of sadness, grief, and loneliness.

If it's not the fucked up mind, then it's the fucked up environment. Everything just feels *wrong*. So, so *wrong*. I don't want to talk about the world right now because sometimes I feel as though my environment has failed me. But I have failed myself too. Unfortunately, whenever we think about "The Memory", we tend to devolve immediately. Are we recoverable at this point?

All that I know is that I am alone. It is dark inside the mind, besides myself and this body. It is sad and quiet and nobody can touch me. Just how I want it right now. Well, besides our caretaker who checks in every once in a while...

I've been in tears. Here's something that our body typed a while ago. Nothing descriptive but there's a bit more context, I guess...

Abuse

I hate how abuse makes us feel. Gross. Disgusting. Terrible. Worthless. Depressed. Angry. Fearful. Paranoid. Forgetful, heartsick, nostalgic, hopeful, desirous, desperate, lonely...

Missing your abuser is the worst feeling. It's worse than hating them. Why couldn't my abuser be some sick, heartless, soulless fuck. Instead, they had to be a human. And that hurts. That really fucking hurts.

I will never forget what they have done to me. I also see moments where things might have been different. I can tell from the memories of us smiling and having a good time. I can tell from the times they've opened their heart to me.

All of it juxtaposed with memories of [ redacted ]. They were so close to me. I hate that. I hate how they were so close to me.